I laughed so hard....
...that I nearly lost an eye. Being shown a calculator doesn't usually do this to me. Rewind to the start of the situation:My flash memory device goes for a burton in the most annoying way. It leaves the clipart, the recipes for bread, the stuff off the net, the stuff off my hard drive and destroys the lesson plans and the scripts for the plays I had just written for my third year classes. This was not why I laughed. This was why I was in the electronics shop in the first place. Being a Saturday it was why I had my darling girlfriend with me.
While I bought a clip drive (USB storage device, for those of you who can use computers but not much) she was looking coyly at the digital cameras. By the time I had been told that the item I wanted wasn't available, been glaringly rude to, re-chosen the item I wanted despite the ministrations of the cashier (Who, in God's name, chooses computer hardware by colour?), waited for the item to arrive from the shelf two feet away and paid, She was mid-barter with the salesman.
As I know, and you all should, salesmen are the scum of the earth, not even fit to lick the enzymes off a cold-germ. I should know, I've done it. I wandered over to protect my missus and butter the tightrope for the sales-gimp. "Don't buy it," I said. "It was cheaper in Kitamura."
"How much was it," she asked loudly in Japanese.
"27,400 yen," says I. After a suitable pause I continued, "with a really fast SD card and that real leather case you liked." Big wink.
Anyhow, the guy dissapears, comes back and at us with this complicated scheme for buying using a point card, bamboozling the computer with a magnet and standing on the leg of the month. Right leg, for your information. Alas, but the case on offer was pink, decorated with a cartoon character and with one of those mini karabiners that only a mentalist would consider using in polite society. Totally unsuitable - neither of us are mentalists.
Rethink time led to correction of mistake time and I thought we might as well get a bigger, faster card, swap it with my big but slightly slower card and Bob's your Auntie's live-in-lover. Everyone is happy. Apart from the sales-dude who has to come back and say that it will cost a bit more than he initially said. Cue air-sucked-through-teeth sales manouvre. The verdict - 27,573 yen.
The missus, bless her, says, "Can't you do it any cheaper?"
The sales dude just stopped short of staggering backwards, theatrically. "I am afraid that is litterally as low as we can go." His words, not mine.
Mariko stunned me by saying, "not even the three yen?"
We are talking about less than one and a half pennies in English money, about two cents in US money, but even this balls-out probing had no effect on the guy. "I can go no lower."
I faced my girlfriend, put my hand on her shoulder and said, "I will pay the extra 173 yen." Less than a pound to you and me. "And I will buy you a case so that it doesn't get damaged." The sales guy straightened just a tad. "From Kitamura."
In the end she said yes, the guy dissapeared off to get the camera itself and took us over to the paying area. A paying area with stools, I noted. Not everyday you see people sitting down to pay for a camera. There you have it.
He says: Do you have a point card? (Point cards are like malignant tumours. They are troublesome and multiply like that Chinese woman who gives birth every one point five seconds. Turn your back for a few minutes and all of a sudden you have got a wallet full of them.)
She says: Yes. (passes it across)
He says: There is a better point card than this. (ai ai, thinks I)
She says: Oh?
He says: This point card. (He points to a card)
I say: That's a credit card.
He says: Yes, but if you sign up for it today, you get extra points and I can knock some more off the price.
She says: What do you think?
I say: Well, it is up to you, it's your name. We could try and use mine (this in English) and have a bit of a chuckle when the machine tries to look me up and then explodes when it sees my credit rating.
She says: I'm not sure...
I say: (Back in Japanese) Well, if it was me I would say no. You remember a very similar situation in which the guy in the shop told me it would be fine for me to quit using yahoo BB, sign-up again, take the free 10,000 yen gift voucher without any interuption to the service? That guy was also on some kind of comission deal, too. "Without any interuption" included being utterly reamed-out, as I recall.
At this point one of the other clerks who was listening sniggered, which sealed the matter in my mind.
He says: Give it a whirl?
I say: No, I have been conned in this manner once before.
He says: I'm not conning you. You can sign-up, take the price cut and then cancel the card when it comes. Like you said, I get a comission. Do it for my sake!
This is when I started laughing: Hahaha! Haha! Ha! Haha! You said you couldn't go any lower! How funny are you? No lower...
He said: Well look, this offer ends on Tuesday...
We'd had sheep factor, making-the-customer-look-stupid-for-not-recognising-a-saving, the self-sacrificing-do-it-for-me routine. Now we were onto Fear-Of-Loss. Like I said, I've been on the other end of the seasaw before.
She says: Well, I already have two credit cards...
He says: Hey, I have five!
I say, inwardly: And yet here you are, sucking Satans's cock for pennies. You cannot seriously think I could respect any decision you have made? Not while you are debasing yourself so piteously?
She starts to crumble and says: I don't really want to...
I say: Hang on, how much are we talking about here?
The guy grasps his calculator again (this is a part of Japanese culture I have never understood. Why do the guys in the shops need to tap the price out on a calculator? I initially thought it was just because I was foreign and they thought it was beyond my language capabilities. I was a tiny bit insulted. Then I realised that they did it to Japanese people too. Then I was really insulted because I twigged that it meant that they thought I might not be able to deal with the figures.) and taps away.
He says: The price is 27,573 yen. If you sign up for the new card it is 27,350 yen.
It was stifling my laughter at this that I nearly lost me my eyeball. A few grunts and squeals of glee escaped but he didn't notice because he was looking at my darling lover.
He says, harking back to Mariko's effort with the three yen: If you do it this way then you get a nice figure that rounds off to a multiple of ten.
I say: Mwaaaaahhhahahahahaaaaaaa! Haha!
I swear I nearly shat myself laughing at this. I actually fell off my stool and mariko started laughing too.
I say: Haaaaaaaa ha ha ha! NO Lower! You said it! You said it!
I almost told him we'd sign up if he licked the sole of my shoe, but in the end we contented ourselves with turning-down one last sighing check that we didn't in fact want to sign up for a credit card. We left, me with a new 20MB/second SD card for my DSLR and Mariko with a new smart camera.
So, it is under two hundred days 'til re-entry and one of the things I miss most is still British comedy, though if I want a bit of a laugh I can just have a wonder round to look at the real world. Infinitely more entertaining.
Anyhow, here she is modelling the latest in consumer electronics:
posted by Between daisies @ 20:59
7 Comments:
This sounds like the most protracted shopping trip I have ever heard of
Bizzareness with the calculator
it took longer to do than to describe - I enjoyed writing this though. that's the important bit, right?
I just assumed the calculator was for foreigners too. Well there you go!
Hahahaha nice, umm, bargaining? Hahaha.
Wow! Mariko holds electronic gadgets like a pro! :-P Hehehe
Are you saying my bird is a pro? I'll.... Only kidding! I'll pass the compliment on...
Now I only have to persuade her to let me buy a waterproof housing so that it can come scuba diving with me next year...
Jesus...I could've sworn that that story involved Masa and me when I went to purchase my Lumix. The guy was on the calculator for about ten minutes before he quoted the same price that was on display next to the camera.
You're right: the enjoyment of writing the piece is the most important bit.
PS Hugs to you and your lady from me and my lady.
Cheers mate - resiprocations. Everybody healthy and happy?
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